


Hope to Die

by Emory7Claire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coda, Dean Winchester Has Feelings, Dean Winchester has a lot of feelings and Castiel is gonna hear them, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, First Kiss, Fix-It, I fixed it for you fuckers, I stopped watching at the beginning of season 12 and this is what brings me back, Love Confessions, M/M, fuck this shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:55:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27477658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emory7Claire/pseuds/Emory7Claire
Summary: Dean is done with standing still. He's done with standing by and watching his loved ones sacrifice everything for him. He's going to do something.He's tired of reacting. It's time for him to act.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 20
Kudos: 204





	Hope to Die

**Author's Note:**

> Well, well, well.  
> This is how I come back into this fandom. Don't expect me to watch the damn show, but I'll probably write some one shots here and there. Y'all really need Catradora.  
> I care too much about Dean and Castiel as characters to let the writers and directors do this shit to them.  
> I blame Jensen and Misha for nothing. They do their best to support us, and for that, I am incredibly grateful.  
> Anyway, fuck this show and enjoy the fic.  
> (and yes, I did do a She-Ra (gay love saves the day))

He stands.

He stands still.

It’s one of the things Dean does best.

Standing motionless like a rock, letting the wind and river current erode him down to his bones while watching his loved ones sacrifice everything.

He’s doing it again.

With Cas.

He does this with Cas the most.

“Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love.”

His best friend starts crying. A pang shatters his heart, a horrible ache following it. The pit in his stomach is growing deeper.

“You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know.”

What is he talking about? Dean isn’t selfless in the slightest. That’s Cas. Cas is the selfless one. Cas is the one who gave up everything he’d ever known for humanity’s sake. For Dean’s sake. For Dean…

“You changed me, Dean.”

He’s crying more now, smiling through the tears. Why is he smiling? It hurts so much, why is he smiling? How can this be a moment of pure happiness?

“Why does this sound like a goodbye?” What kind of question is that? Why can’t he think of anything better to say right now? Why won’t his body let him _do_ something?!

“Because it is.”

No. Don’t say this… don’t do this… not now… not after twelve years…

“I love you.”

Dean feels his own tears begin to fall. Twelve years… twelve years and he chooses now?

“Don’t do this, Cas…”

_**What is he saying?!** _

Cas steps forward, reaching out and holding Dean’s shoulder. His hand rests right where he left that handprint all those years ago. A scar that never truly went away…

“Goodbye, Dean.”

“No.”

He moves. His body bursts to life, breaks free of the stone and he **_moves_**.

His hand grabs Cas’ wrist, wrenching it away. He uses his hold to swing them both around and push Cas across the dungeon, right up against the stone wall. The angel’s head makes a soft thump on the wall, but Dean can’t even worry if he hurt him or not.

“ _You do **not** get to just say that to me and leave!_”

“Dean, please… I’ve made my peace-”

“Well, I haven’t! Did you never think how this would affect me? All that thinking about happiness and you never even considered _my feelings_?!”

“I know that I can’t-”

“Like _**hell**_ you know! You never asked, why did you never ask?!”

“Dean, you’re hurting me-”

“You’re hurting _**me**_! If you were to just fucking die, just tell me that you love me and then die and never come back, do you have any idea what I would do to myself?! I’d drink myself to death!”

“Dean, please-”

“No, I’m _not_ letting you go! Did you never think for a second all these years that I could feel the same way?”

Cas’ teary eyes flare wide. They’ve never looked so blue.

“I can’t just let you say all that shit that’s not true. _**You**_ are the selfless one, Cas, not me. You gave up _**everything**_ for me, you killed your brothers and sisters for me; I couldn’t even let my brother go if it meant closing the gates of Hell.”

Cas sobs out a laugh. “That’s one of the things I love about you… stubborn to a fault.”

Dean lets Cas’ wrist go. His hands make their way to his shoulders. The angel tenses before relaxing under his touch.

“You gave up your whole way of life - everything you had ever known - to help humanity.” Dean’s hands find their way to Cas’ cheeks, caressing over his stubble. “You changed the way I thought about everything. About angels, about the world… about love. How could you ever believe you couldn’t have what you want? Did you never think to ask?”

“I was so scared, I never thought you could love me in this vessel…”

Dean shakes his head. He’s trembling. He wants to say it, he needs to make himself say it. How hard is it to say three little words?

Cas’ eyes flicker behind him and they stop to stare there. Dean turns to look and sees the black void of the Empty pooling its way through the wall. He looks back at Cas. They’re out of time.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

No.

He has to say it. He can’t let him go without saying it.

Dean closes his eyes tight. He presses his forehead hard against Cas’, holding him close. Cas is trembling underneath him.

Say it.

_Please say it._

“I love you, too.”

He kisses him.

It isn’t hard to find his lips, even with his eyes closed. He’s never felt scruff against his chin while kissing someone, but he can’t say he doesn’t like it. Cas’ lips are calloused, yet soft. Dean’s forgotten that the angel has kissed before until he takes the lead and Dean gasps a delicate breath.

There are noises, sounds of the black ooze, but Dean doesn’t let go. A bright light begins building on the other side of his eyelids, but he doesn’t look to see what it is. A piercing sound rises in volume to almost deafening, but Dean doesn’t cover his ears. As long as he can feel Cas, can keep kissing him, he ignores everything else. If this is going to be the only time he gets to do this, he’s not going to cut it short.

Dean doesn’t notice at first when the sounds and bright light are gone. He needs to know Cas is there, he needs to keep feeling him. He won’t let go. He kisses him.

“Dean.”

He kisses him.

“Dean.”

He won’t let go.

“ _Dean_.”

He can’t let go.

“ _ **Dean**_.”

Cas’ calloused hands find their way to Dean’s face and pull them apart. His eyes finally open and are struck with tears at the sight before him.

Cas’ eyes glow blue with that familiar shade of grace. Light seems to emanate from his very being, making his skin glow. On the wall Dean pressed him against, the shadows of his wings are spread wide. They are thin and broken, the shadows of feathers drifting down from their shapes, but they leave Dean as speechless as they did the first time he ever saw them.

Cas smiles at him. “The Empty is gone.”

Dean turns around and sure enough, the black pool on the wall is nowhere to be seen. It’s just the two of them.

Dean looks back at Cas. “What happened?”

Cas shakes his head. “I don’t really know. My grace got kickstarted when you… when you kissed me.” His smile grows wider when he says that. “You kissed me.”

“Yeah…”

“Will you… will you do it again?”

Dean doesn’t need to be asked, but having Cas’ consent makes his heart flutter just so and he can’t think anymore because he’s kissing the angel again and Cas takes the lead and he tastes salt and he doesn’t know which one of them is crying until he sobs and breaks the kiss. Dean’s knees give out, forcing Cas to catch him. The angel lowers the both of them to the floor, holding Dean close. He buries his face in Cas’ shoulder, holding on to his coat for dear life.

“Dean, what’s wrong?”

What’s… what’s _wrong?!_

“What kind of stupid fucking question is that?!” Dean’s hands shake where they hold onto Cas. “You were going to die… you were just going to tell me you loved me and die…”

“I was just-”

“Shut up.” Dean’s had enough. “Please just shut up and hold me.”

Cas somehow manages to draw him closer, holding him tight and carding his fingers through his hair, as if it’s the most normal thing in the world.

That’s how Sam finds them who knows how much later; clinging to one another as if they were to disappear should they let go.

  
  



End file.
